Yesterday I decided that 1) I was distracting myself with my internet projects 2) I had used other responsibilities and demands as excuses why I could not continue. 3) If all else failed to provide the needed escape from completion and success, there was always my health as a great excuse. "Oh, poor me!"
Then I gave myself a good talking to. I realized this was a pattern in my life: giving up before ever finishing anything. I asked myself how I'd feel after five years if I gave up, and just knew I'd hate myself for it. Like I do for all the other degrees and jobs I've given up on (and there is a huge list!) I asked myself, what I was really afraid of. When there was no answer forthcoming, I prayed to be allowed to release my fear of whatever it was, and just be able to start again with the class, and I guess that worked! Really it is not difficult to do the work, it is actually easy, interesting and kindof fun. The last class was on Homeopathy and at first I was skeptical of what I had to learn. Now I find the subject fascinating, actually, even though it goes against everything I've believed or thought to be true about health.
I think the irony involved - me, a person with a chronic condition learning about natural health - seemed too crazy and stupid. But I realized that was my ego talking: my way too healthy saboteur. Then I reminded myself why I signed up for this study in the first place - to learn something I didn't know. To find out how to cure myself of MS. That sounds so presumptuous. But still, maybe I can discover something that has been overlooked. I have a lot of Homeopathic remedies to try now, since finishing my last class. This will be interesting.
There is more to do to complete everything I signed up for. The degree is now complete, but I have to finish a "concentration" in Herbology (SIX classes) and some electives (three classes) And then I will get a diploma. Yesterday I worked all day to complete my last class. Now I just have to wait for the final grade and to be approved for the other classes. These other classes must be finished in a year and a half, but I know, if I just don't give up, I can do it. Praying more, and being grateful will also help.