Identity issues

Today is my one day off from my private teaching practice i.e. no students. It is surprising how much more relaxed I feel when nobody is coming to the house. One can let things get in a mess and it doesn't matter. I can look like a mess and it doesn't matter. And yet, I do feel that having the students coming keeps my days structured, and me intellectually stimulated and socialized.

But, sometimes I think it might be nice to stop teaching the harp - this instrument that due to ms dexterity issues - I don't even play anymore! This prays upon my self-esteem. If I manage to silence my egos noisy demands for attention, by telling it that I don't have to still play to teach, then I manage to save a shred of my dignity. But is it worth it? It's as though I have so much of my identity tied to the harp (so many strings!) that it seems to have hold of me. My mother was a harpist and now, somehow, I have to carry on the tradition in whatever manner I can manage to grasp hold of. I've played since I was four ,blah, blah, blah, taught privately since I was 20. But now I feel like a canary who can not grasp hold of her perch. I guess that's what is meant by "losing your grip" huh?

These feelings of doubt are worse when a brand-new student comes for their first lesson: they just naturally expect that I would still play the harp, like I used to. I wish I had an easy explanation, cause my ego demands that I go into detail, that, even though I don't look sick or handicapped, blah, blah, playing the harp requires much more dexterity and co-ordination than I have now. Of course that can change, and yet I have tried playing again, and it didn't work. There goes the self-esteem again.

What I hate most is the disappointed look on my student's faces! It seems like they think I'm a fake or something. That certainly hurts my ego. I need to stop caring what other people think. Forgive my reference to astrology, but all this is so hard for a double Capricorn with a 12th house sun and first house moon. Maybe somebody out there knows what I mean? I'm too sensitive and care too much.

I have all these unrented harps, standing like mute sentinels in my living room, it's like a haunting. They have served a noble purpose, but now, what to do with them? Sell everything, cut the cables and run for my life? I could do it, but, as my hubby is fond of asking, so what else will you do? What? That is the question. Maybe I would discover something else if I didn't have the harp to fall back on as income and identity? Or, maybe not.

In the end I must stop running around in circles with these questions, for it is enough to drive both myself and my family crazy. They often express the opinion that I should "put up or shut up". And so it goes...